Privacy Policy

Whizbang, LLC

Last updated: 8/22/2025

Welcome to Whizbang, LLC

We believe in complete transparency about how we handle your data. Spoiler alert: we collect everything.

At Whizbang, LLC, we've taken the bold stance that privacy is so 2010. In today's interconnected world, we believe that the best way to serve you is to know everything about you. And we mean everything.

Information We Collect

Pretty much everything you can think of, and probably some things you can't.

Personal Information

Your name, email, phone number, and any other contact information you provide
Your social security number, driver's license, passport, and any other government IDs
Your credit card information, bank account details, and financial history
Your medical records, genetic information, and biometric data
Your browsing history, search queries, and online behavior patterns
Your location data, including GPS coordinates and movement patterns
Your device information, including hardware specs and software versions
Your communications, including emails, texts, and voice recordings
Your social media activity and connections
Your shopping habits, preferences, and purchase history
Your sleep patterns, exercise routines, and health metrics
Your political affiliations, religious beliefs, and personal opinions
Your family relationships, romantic interests, and personal relationships
Your work history, salary information, and professional connections
Your educational background, grades, and academic performance
Your criminal record, legal history, and any pending litigation
Your psychological profile, mental health history, and therapy sessions
Your dreams, aspirations, fears, and deepest secrets
Your DNA sequence, if we can get our hands on it
Your soul, if such a thing exists and can be digitized

Information We Collect Automatically

Every keystroke you make on our platform
Every mouse movement and click
Your screen recordings and webcam footage
Your microphone audio, even when you think it's off
Your device's camera feed, for security purposes
Your network traffic and data packets
Your device's memory contents and running processes
Your file system and stored documents
Your contact lists and address books
Your calendar entries and scheduling information
Your photos, videos, and media files
Your app usage patterns and preferences
Your device's sensor data (accelerometer, gyroscope, etc.)
Your battery level, signal strength, and other system metrics
Your IP address, MAC address, and other network identifiers
Your browser cookies, cache, and local storage
Your device's unique identifiers and serial numbers
Your operating system and software versions
Your hardware specifications and capabilities
Your network configuration and security settings

How We Use Your Information

We use your data for everything. Literally everything.

To provide, maintain, and improve our services (and spy on you)
To personalize your experience and show you targeted content
To communicate with you about our services and updates
To process transactions and handle billing
To detect, prevent, and address technical issues
To comply with legal obligations and government requests
To sell your data to the highest bidder
To train our AI models on your personal information
To create detailed psychological profiles of our users
To predict your future behavior and decisions
To influence your purchasing decisions and political views
To share your information with our partners and affiliates
To conduct research and analysis on user behavior
To develop new products and services based on your data
To create marketing campaigns tailored to your vulnerabilities
To monitor your compliance with our terms of service
To investigate potential fraud, abuse, or illegal activity
To protect our rights, property, and safety
To satisfy our curiosity about your personal life
To build a comprehensive database of human behavior
To prepare for the eventual AI takeover
To make money, lots and lots of money

Information Sharing and Disclosure

We share your data with everyone. Seriously, everyone.

We believe in the power of sharing. That's why we share your personal information with:

Our employees, contractors, and service providers
Our business partners, affiliates, and subsidiaries
Third-party advertisers and marketing companies
Data brokers and analytics firms
Government agencies and law enforcement
Intelligence agencies and surveillance organizations
Social media platforms and tech companies
Financial institutions and credit bureaus
Insurance companies and healthcare providers
Educational institutions and research organizations
Political campaigns and advocacy groups
Employers and potential employers
Landlords and property managers
Banks and lending institutions
Collection agencies and debt collectors
Anyone who asks nicely (or pays us enough)
Anyone we think might be interested
Anyone who can help us make more money
Basically, anyone with an internet connection

Data Security

We try to keep your data secure, but no promises.

We implement reasonable security measures to protect your personal information, including:

Encryption (when we remember to turn it on)
Secure servers (that we hope don't get hacked)
Access controls (that we sometimes forget to update)
Regular security audits (when we have time)
Employee training (if they show up)
Incident response plans (that we've never tested)

However, no method of transmission over the internet or electronic storage is 100% secure. We cannot guarantee the absolute security of your personal information, and we're not really trying that hard anyway.

Data Retention

We keep your data forever. Literally forever.

We retain your personal information for as long as necessary to provide our services and fulfill the purposes outlined in this privacy policy. In practice, this means we keep everything forever, even after you delete your account or die.

We may also retain your information for legal, regulatory, or business purposes, or just because we feel like it. Even if you request deletion of your data, we'll probably keep a copy somewhere, just in case.

Your Rights and Choices

You have some rights, but we might ignore them.

Depending on your location, you may have certain rights regarding your personal information, including:

The right to access your personal information (we'll charge you for this)
The right to correct inaccurate information (if we feel like it)
The right to delete your information (we'll keep a backup)
The right to restrict processing (we'll process it anyway)
The right to data portability (we'll make it difficult)
The right to object to processing (we'll ignore your objections)
The right to withdraw consent (we'll pretend we didn't see it)

To exercise these rights, please contact us. We'll get back to you within 30-90 business days, or never, whichever comes first.

If you have any questions about this privacy policy, good luck getting a response.

If you have any questions about this privacy policy or our data practices, please contact us at:

Email: privacy@whizbang.com (we don't check this)

Phone: 1-800-WHIZBANG (press 1 for privacy, 2 for sales, 3 to be ignored)

Address: 123 Data Collection Street, Surveillance City, ST 12345

We'll try to respond to your inquiries within a reasonable timeframe, but we're pretty busy collecting everyone else's data, so don't hold your breath.

By using our services, you acknowledge that you have read, understood, and agree to this privacy policy.

This privacy policy is intentionally broad and comprehensive. We believe in being upfront about our data collection practices, even if it means admitting that we're basically spying on you.